| LFR |
[Apr. 26th, 2008|11:17 pm] |
Haha I forgot I even had this but thanks to the wonderful Ke it's time for another rant!
I've been in the dating scene for a year and a half and to this day I still haven't met someone who's worth all the trouble. Everyone is soo fucking focused on sex and casual relationships which is definitely not what I want. I want a long-term relationship with someone who will be there for me when times get hard, someone to hang out with, someone I can trust, someone to call my own...you get the point.
I know my life isn't bad at all but I've always felt really lonely and I guess I'm still waiting for that someone who cares. Or maybe I'm just trying to get something that cannot be obtained? Most gay people I know feels the same way I do and so they end up giving in and turning into sex addicts just like everyone else which seriously makes me wonder if I'm hoping for something impossible.
I could just give in and be like the rest but then how do I do to stop feeling lonely? I guess I'll just have to see what life has in store for me, maybe patience rewards after a while or maybe it will always be like this. As long as I don't lose my hope, everything will be alright. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2007|11:47 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Rich Boy - Throw Some D's (Feat. Polow Da Don) | ] |
I know I sound like a fuckin broken record and I know it's annoying but it's safe here because nobody reads it. I hung out with Lalo today after going to school to pick my schedule for the semester. I'm not gonna be taking any classes with him and for some reason I feel bad that I won't be spending as much time with him anymore. It's weird because I seriously thought I was over him but apparently not. Only 3 hours with him were enough to realize how awesome and fuckin cute he is and put me on a bad mood for the rest of the day. He's the only person with the power to change my mood in 2 seconds or less and I hate it, because he shouldn't have that kind of power over me. But hey, maybe not seeing him this semester will finally allow me to get over him, or maybe not. Like I said in my last entry I'll do absolutely nothing about this and see how it all turns out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|12:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Carl Henry - I Wish | ] |
I've known him for...a year and a half? I always knew he can never be mine and I was completely ok with it. I thought it was just another infatuation but I think I...love him. I know I've always said you can't love someone if it's not reciprocated but the feelings I have for him are way too strong now. There's nothing else I want more in the world than to kiss him. It would take away all my pain but it's never gonna happen.
What bothers me is that, in 16 months, this issue never really bothered me. It didn't bother me when I found out he has a girlfriend. It didn't bother me when I found out he's been with her for 6 years. It didn't bother me when I found out they're getting married soon. So why the fuck is it hurting me like hell now? As soon as 2007 began, I suddenly started craving him really bad and I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. I can be doing other stuff or surrounded by people but the only thing on my mind (and in my dreams) is him. I just fuckin wish there was a way for us to be together but yeah I'm bound to be a failure and never get what I fuckin want. Plus even if he was gay he would never be with someone like me. I'm ugly and boring.
Someone advised me to stay away from him but the truth is I can't. He's such a great friend and I just can't throw that away because of my stupidass feelings getting in the way.
Well, I guess you can't tell the heart what to do so I'll do absolutely nothing about this shit and see how it all turns out. I might stop liking him in a while or I might end up loving him even more, but I won't spend time and energy going against the flow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|01:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beyonce - Irreplaceable | ] |
So this crush officially got out of control. I need to reminisce previous crushes and deal with this accordingly. And i'm not even gonna rant about how I never get anything I want and how it hurts knowing I'll never get what I want. Or maybe I will since nobody reads this and it's safe. Ugh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|10:17 am] |
| [ | music |
| | H.I.M. - Killing Loneliness | ] |
30 hours left to know what's gonna happen between us.
Seriously the uncertainty is killing me, if he changed his mind or something I'm gonna die. I'm really tired of being single and this is the ONE thing I want to come true. GAHHHHHH.
Please lord let this happen for me. Please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|07:43 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Simon Webbe - Free | ] |
I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about Carlos. I was supposed to meet him today but when i called him he said he's out of town and that we'll meet sometime during the week.
I don't know what to think about this, I mean is he really out of town or is he just avoiding me? What if he doesn't want anything with me after all? What if everything he said on saturday was only because he was drunk? What if he decided he doesn't like me after all? What if he's got someone else and "forgot" about it?
GAHHH I shouldn't be soo paranoid but I really really REALLY want this to work out, I've waited for this my entire life and if something goes awry I'm gonna feel horrible.
But yeah I think I'm just paranoid, we'll see on tuesday?
EDIT: Waiting until tuesday is gonna drive me insane, waiting 48 fuckin hours is just too much for me! I wanna kiss him and hold him, or I want him to tell me he changed his mind, but i want it NOW! I hate waiting that long |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2006|06:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Killers - When You Were Young | ] |
So I doubt anyone still bothers reading this, and there's some stuff I need to let out so here I go.
Last week I found out that my crush Lalo is getting married to his 6-year girlfriend sometime next year which at first I found amusing because he constantly mentioned that he'd rather kill himself than marrying her, but after a while it hit me right in the face.
Like, deep down I thought he could actually be mine because he gave soooo many signals that he was interested in me or maybe i was just seeing stuff that wasn't there, either way I was fuckin hopeful and it felt soo horrible knowing he's gonna marry that cunt. I thought I would be depressed or something but it really didn't affect me that much, I mean he's one of my best friends and it will probably stay that way, and that's what counts. Still felt horrible finding out.
And like, I have a date tonight? The guy isn't cute or anything but my god I'm soo nervous. I mean it's my first date EVER (guess it's time to whore Blink 182's First Date) and I don't exactly know how this works. What do i wear? what do i say? what if he doesn't like me? what if I don't like him? what if he abducts me and asks my family for money? I'm seriously fuckin nervous and I don't know what to do, I'm thinking about not going but, isn't this what I always wanted? I'm never gonna find love if I don't start losing my fears. And well if we don't like each other at least i'll have fun, isn't that what dates are for?
Fuckin nervous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|11:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No Doubt - Sixteen | ] |
I wanted to go out today because it's been 2 weeks since I last went out, but nobody planned anything so now I'm stuck here on a fuckin saturday night, which isn't necessarily (sp?) a bad thing since I have homework, but ugh, when I don't go out, every fuckin day is the same and I hate routine, and i hate empty rooms cause "they can be soo deafening" Ohh well, maybe next week there will be a party somewhere.
My feelings for Lalo are way, WAY too strong and I can't control them. "Uh oh" anyone? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dem Franchize Boys - Ridin Rims | ] |
Awesome first week so far, some classes gonna be hard, like Numerical Analysis and Math 5, but I love math so it shouldn't be a problem. It's been awesome seeing everyone again, and I take 4 classes with Lalo! Speaking of Lalo, the crush is reaching dangerous levels because I feel bad when I'm not around him, DAMMIT! this is exactly what i didn't want to happen, but thankfully there's still time to correct this issue, how? by focusing on other stuff and not letting the thought of him invade my mind. Awesome. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|10:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  quixotic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brandy - Have You Ever? | ] |
Brandy - "Have You Ever?"
[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]
So naturally, spending a lot of time with Lalo this past week made me like him even more, he's just too perfect: he's cute, he's smart, he's funny, he's just too perfect both physically and mentally, things were perfect but then I realized I'll never have him and it just fuckin hurts. Something tells me I should tell him about my feelings but what if he freaks out and I lose even the friendship? That would suck soo hard, but isn't love about taking chances? There's a goos chance that he might be ghey or bi, so i really wanna tell him. AHHHHH I FUCKIN DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO *combusts* |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|06:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Simon Webbe - Free | ] |
Another amazing day with Lalo! It's just soo nice driving around with him, and this time no awkward silences omg soo fuckin great, he was particularly hot today and god knows I wanted to hug him more than anything in this world, and omg his lips are just great, I hate his girlfriend cause she got to kiss him for 5 years ugh. I'm on such a high right now.
The only bad thing is that I'm working the night shift and i'm already sleepy so let's see if i can pull through the night, but Lalo will be there as well so it shouldn't be too much of a problem ^____^ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|08:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Anthony Hamilton - Pass Me Over | ] |
I spent the WHOLE day with Lalo today, from 8am to 8pm. First we went to his high school cause he needed some document or something, then we went to school to check our schedules, then we drove around for about 4 or 5 hours blasting music like London Bridge and S.O.S.! Oh my god it was soo damn great but I hate that there were a couple of times when my mind went completely blank and there was awkward silence, he makes me soo damn nervous and I hate when it happens cause I make myself look dumb and uninteresting. I think it also happened because he was quiet today because he has family issues so he wasn't THAT talkative.
And yeah i'm sure he totally didn't read that IM where i told him i'm gay since today he kept asking me about hot girls :-!
And today I actually didn't snooze when i woke up which leads me to the conclusion that all I need to be happy in this life is some form of motivation (in this case: knowing i would see him made me actually wake up motivated) and while I know I'll never have Lalo, i know my "motivation" is still out there somewhere, and I'm not gonna give up until I find it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|07:34 pm] |
UGH! Look at me! I look like a 15-year-old chuckling as i talk to Lalo on MSN, and i think he already knows I'm ghey :-$
World hold on says:
mm te gustan los hombres (mm you like men)
World hold on says:
ya m di cuenta (i already noticed)
World hold on says:
no fuera tu hermano el melvin pork (if it was melvin)
World hold on says:
ya m hubiese dicho k se la pasara (he would've already asked for it)
We were talking about a pic of a naked girl, so heh. I was gonna tell him anyway so w/e
EDIT: OK, I just told him and he started talking about computers, I don't know if that's good or bad? *worried* |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|03:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hyper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ray J - Let's Play House | ] |
I don't know what did it but I think my depression is gone for good! Maybe seeing Jessica and Christina having couple problems, or maybe finally letting all my feelings out (like for real this time), or maybe Lalo, I don't know, all i know is that I feel fuckin great right now! The depression thing was really getting old and I waited soo long for this moment, but now I can finally breathe easy, have a smile on my face and enjoy life. You know? Life is way too short to be wasting it like I was and who cares if i never find love? There's way more to life than love. Plus they say the only way to find something after you missed it, is to stop looking for it and you will find it when you least expect it no? So yeah, fuck being down all the time and I'll just live life one day at a time.
Anyway this new found happiness just brought some changes to my life: I lost some weight, I can't wait to go back to school, I actually enjoy going on AIM now, I made a lot of plans etc.
Musical bliss: There's a lot of amazing songs out right now like Stunnas, Morris Brown, Gallery, Long Way 2 Go etc. and I recently bought a lot of cds after not buying any for like 6 months:
- Mary J. Blige - Love & Life
- Bubba Sparxxx - Deliverance
- DC3 - Destiny Fulfiller
- Res - How I Do
- Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
- Sean Paul - The Trinity
And of course DVD box sets:
- 24 season 3
- Buffy season 1
- Charmed season 1
Plus Brant didn't lose his scholarship which means he's gonna stay which means PARTYING HARD FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER SEMESTER! Diego is leaving but he said he's gonna visit every weekend so woo!
And today has been cloudy all day, I FUCKIN LOVE IT!
And Prison Break new episodes IN 2 WEEKS!
And I'm gonna see Lalo TOMORROW!
Ain't life grand? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|12:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lil' Wayne - Hustler Musik | ] |
Remember that feeling of emptyness? That pain on your chest that won't go away no matter what you do? Well, I haven't felt it since April but now it's coming back. Am i worried? Extremely |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|12:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jagged Edge - Stunnas (Feat. Jermaine Dupri) | ] |
Seriously the internet addiction has got to stop! I was online for about 16 hours today, soo not cool. Anyway i was supposed to meet this dude from gay.com but Rick "politely" asked me to help him pack his shit, so i had to cancel my date UGH! It's not like I had my hopes high or anything but yeah it would've been nice meeting this dude, ohh wells, he isn't exactly my type so i guess it's not too much of a loss? plus we can always reschedule, plus it was cool at Rick's: we had a couple beers and cigs while talking about random stuff ehh i'm really gonna miss him but all good things come to an end eventually.
And yeah i called my cable company today to ask them why the fuck mun2 wasn't on the air anymore and they said "sorry that was beyond our control but we're sad to inform you that mun2 won't return to our programming" Two words: FUCKIN. BULLSHIT. Omg why am i losing soo much lately? First friends now mun2? Soo not cool.
And like I feel bad cause I told NG I don't need to know every single detail about his relationship lol. I understand he's extremely happy, and I understand i'm his friend and i'm supposed to listen to him, and I seriously am truly happy for him (AND jealous, Rafi is soo hot) but yeah hearing about it ALL day gets old quick, like sure let's talk about Rafi for an hour but you know there are like 192010383 other topics we can talk about after we're done with Rafi (hehe you're probably reading this and i know it probably sounds mean but yeah...gotta balance the conversation)
And i'm seriously lovin my schedule for the next semester! i'm gonna take 7 classes (3 of them with LALO!) from 12pm-8pm and NO SATURDAYS! I love night classes and i hate saturday classes so this will work out just fine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|02:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fergie - London Bridge (OH SHIT) | ] |
OK i think i'm getting addicted to Internet again: I mean i've been on for like 14 hours in 2 days, and i've been updating this like crazy, AND i recently got involved in AIM drama, OMG soo not cool, someone snap me the fuck out of it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|07:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Damian Marley - Beautiful (Feat. Bobby Brown) | ] |
ANDDDD to make this day even BETTER, Froggert doesn't want to talk to me again WOO FUCKIN HOO!!!!!!!!!1111111ONEONEONE |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|03:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Donell Jones - Lovin' U | ] |
General consensus points that I should not worry about not finding love (or some form of it). My sister, Ke, Gerry and Natasha Bedingfield are with me on this one, but my god, it's just soo hard to go through life alone...ok ok i'll get used to it eventually.
"Unfortunately this is the case
You've got to catch up and win the race
Straighten yourself out
You Can do it, or go through it
You can do it yeah yeah"
No Doubt, "You Can Do It"
Also realized I can't tell Lalo i like him yet, specially since he's out of town (i miss him) but there's a goal i have to reach and i have a semester to do it: Come out to everyone at school. Yeah from now on, everytime someone asks about my sexuality I won't deny I'm ghey, before I used to worry about what people would say about it, but you know what? i'm sick of pleasing everyone and living up to their expectations. Fuck it. From now on it's just Me, Myself and I. I came into this world alone and I'm gonna go to the grave alone so why even fuckin worry about it? So yeah i have 5-6 months to come out hehe, starting with Lalo when he comes back.
BTW, I know Fidel Castro is a horrible person and all, but seriously, people celebrate cause he's sick? That is just wrong :-! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|07:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cassie - Long Way 2 Go | ] |
So after 24 ended last night Brant calls to tell me he failed math meaning he will lose his scholarship meaning he has to go back to his country in a week.
So 20 minutes ago Diego calls all excited telling me this college in Mexico City accepted him and classes start on August 14th meaning he will leave in a week.
So Rick tells me on saturday that he's leaving to Europe on August 21st.
Now tell me, is it REALLY all in my head?
Lesson Learned: Never, and I mean NEVER get too attached to anyone. That is all |
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